How Does A Heart Beat?
by pailyandspoby
Summary: Paige has had depression ever since her family abandoned her when she came out as being gay. After a horrible phone call with her dad, she attempted her death. She wakes up in a hospital room on the bed. Paige thinks no one cares or will go visit her; then someone does; someone that came back every single day to see her; someone that loved her. TRIGGER WARNING-RATED M
1. Chapter 1

**AU- WARNING: CONTAINS SERIOUS ISSUES AND GRAPHIC SCENES. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED. I hope you enjoy or can relate to the story in some way. That special someone will be in the next chapter. Please don't give up on this. I'll update when I can. This chapter is shorter as it's only the introduction to everything. **

**Alison is alive and dating Emily. But is Alison all that she hoped for? There's no –A involved. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars, sadly. **

* * *

**Paige's POV-**

"Dad, please." I beg through a wail of tears. "I can't change who I am. Please don't hate me. Come home." I burst into another set of tears on the phone.

"I'm sorry but you're not the child I raised. You won't be hearing from any of us anymore. Goodbye Paige." My father said sternly before hanging up the phone.

Why did it happen again? I hate who I am. I want to change. I can't be this person. I can't love a girl or any girls. I can't be gay. I can't do this anymore. It's ruining me. It's ruining my family. I don't deserve to live like this. I tried to accept it but I can't and I don't think I ever will.

I pace up and down my bedroom with my head in my hands trying to stop to demons from winning; but they always do. Just like that, all of the control evaporated. My body went numb with pain. My mind went numb with pain. This was what I was most afraid of; to not feel anything; nothing but pain.

I slowly walked to the small cabinet beside my bed; opened it and grabbed the bottle of pills inside. As I unscrewed the lid, I tried to think of all the reason I had to live for. The only one that appeared in my mind was just an illusion I created in my head. She had to make me fall in love with her; of course she did.

_The pills will help. Take some more. _The voice inside my head whispered; so I took another pill and another and another until the bottle was empty; until I was empty.

* * *

My eyes peeled open and adjusted to the room that wasn't mine. All I saw was white; all I heard was beeping; all I felt was pain. I looked around to realise I was sat in a hospital bed, wires sticking out from my hand. The beeping was the heart monitor; my heart monitor. _I'm alive._

"Paige don't move too much. Are you okay? Can you hear me? Paige? Miss McCullers?" I heard an older women ask as I was shuffling round. I certainly didn't recognise the voice.

I turned my head to face the nurse standing over me. I wanted to speak but my mouth wouldn't let me. I wanted to ask what happened but my mouth wouldn't let me. I looked at her with pleading eyes. I couldn't answer.

"If you're wondering where you are, what happened and who I am then you are at Philadelphia Hospital, Paige you tried to kill yourself last night and you were unstable when you were found but you're stable now thankfully. I'm Nurse Aliyah and I will be with you every day until you get better. I understand what you're going through Paige and I'm going to help you." Aliyah said.

My eyes wondered over her. She was an African-American woman, rather rotund, seemed around late 40s. Something about her just made me feel safe, like I had a friend, like I had a caring mother for once.

I just nodded my head slowly and gave her a small smile to let her know I was listening.

"Now we'll have to unfortunately have to run some test to see if the medicine we gave you is working because you had to have your stomach pumped. Also we wrapped bandages around your arms due to self inflicted cuts that were dangerously deep." I looked down at my arms to see they were in fact wrapped tightly up. I don't remember any of this.

I heard her moving around to get ready. She sat herself next to me and roughly placed her hands in the cream latex gloves.

"You'll feel a slight prick from the needle." I rolled up my short sleeve and she proceeds to place the needle in my arm to gather some blood. I realised only then that I was in a hospital gown.

"There all done. I'll go and get this tested so you can have a moment alone. You're safe here Paige." She patted my knee gently and left the room.

What have I done to myself? I should have taken more pills to get it over and done with. Now I have to face reality once again. Anyway, who saved me? Who found me? So many questions but my ability to speak was non-existent. I don't deserve all of this. They are being nice to a monster. My dad was right all along. This life was too good for me; just like Emily was too good for me. Why did everything have to go back to her? Why was it always her?

I hit the back of my head repetitively on the bed frame for my stupidity. I felt the pain shoot through my head but I liked the pain. I stopped when I heard Aliyah walk back into the room.

"The results will be back tomorrow. Also, a girl came by to see you earlier, she looked really worried Paige. Unfortunately, we had to send her away because you weren't in a good state to see anyone however she promised she would come back tomorrow to see you. Whoever she is, she looked like she cared a whole lot. You're lucky to have her in your life. Hold on to that."

A girl came to see me? I wanted to ask but I knew I'd be wasting my breath. She probably won't come back to visit. I shut everyone out a long time ago, even Emily. She was happy with Alison.

"I think you need to get some rest Paige, you've had a long day. I'll check on you in the morning. Goodnight." The larger nurse turned off the lamp next to me and headed out the door.

I could just about make out the time on the very basic clock hanging on the wall. It said 11:54pm. Had I slept the entire day? I felt like I haven't slept in a life time. Maybe I hadn't.

I lay back down, shuffled around a bit to get comfy which was virtually impossible on a hospital bed. Once I settled down, I was left with my thoughts again. I tried to get rid of the bad ones.

That night I dreamt of what might've been with the one I once had.

_Emily Fields._


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews/favourites/follows. I realise the first chapter was quite slow so I do apologise. I hope you like this one. Please try and review so I know I'm not going wrong. Guys I'm so sorry this took so long to update, my sister is critically ill in hospital and it just kind of came out of nowhere. I've tried to update but it's a little tricky. I'll try and update more!**

**Paige's POV-**

"Paige I'm sorry but I don't think I can do this anymore." Emily said he words I feared the most. "All of the hiding around isn't good for me. It's just dragging me back in the closet. I'm sorry but we're over." She looked at me pleadingly before standing up to walk away.

I grabbed her arm gently to stop her. "Em, please don't do this. I l-love you." I blurted out.

"I love you too but you need to accept yourself and try and let other accept you too. Trust me, this is killing me right now but you need to find out who you are. Maybe this wasn't the right time for us." Emily said fighting back her tears and I was trying to do the same. She let go of my hand on her arm and crept away.

I spent all afternoon making up a picnic, finding a great space in the woods and making her laugh. I've done all I could for her but it still wasn't enough. That was the first time I ever told someone I love them. I knew I was going to make a fool of myself. Emily was…perfect. She was the most caring natured human being alive. How could I be so stupid to think she'd ever love someone like me?

I feel myself wake up but just as I was about to open my eyes, I heard someone talking about me. I decided to leave my eyes closed and listen in.

"What? Are they sure? No, this can't be happening." I heard a girl say in between cries. I recognised the voice; the girl in my dreams. _Emily._

"We're really sorry Miss Fields. We haven't broken the news yet to Miss McCullers so I wouldn't say anything to her. We're doing all that we can but there aren't any donors with her blood type. She's strong though, keep that in mind." I heard Aliyah say sadly.

My heart felt like it was sinking. A donor for what? Was I dying? No. I can't. I have to live for Emily. It was in that moment that I realised I didn't actually want to die. I wanted to be happy. Emily was the only one that could make that for me.

I hear someone leave the room but I'm not sure who it is until I feel a soft warm hand caressing my head. The only soft hand it could be was Emily's. I subconsciously nestled my head into her hand without giving it away that I was awake. Her touch just felt like it belonged to me. The connection was still alive and I wondered if she could feel it too.

"Oh, Paige. What are we gonna do with you? I can't lose you." She began crying again. "I knew you were bad but I didn't realise how bad you got. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. This is my entire fault"

It broke my heart hearing her say that. I should've been there for her. I wanted nothing more but to pull her in my arms but I had to remind myself she wasn't mine, she was Alison's now.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom, get some tissues and then to the cafeteria to get us some lunch. I'll be back in a minute." I felt her perky lips on my forehead. How I wanted nothing more but to kiss them.

Once I heard her leave the room, I opened my eyes. My brain couldn't make sense of everything I heard in the last 5 minutes. It was too much. I just wanted Emily back.

The last time I saw her was a few times in the corridor during school and even then I avoided her. I haven't truly spoken to her since we broke up and that was over 6 months ago. It hurt too much to see her.

After she left me, I wanted to prove to her that I accepted myself so I came out to my parents. I've never seen them look so disgusted at me. The next morning I woke up and they were gone. All that was left was a note on the kitchen side that mentioned some horrible things about me. Ever since that I hate who I was. My depression got worse and worse. I didn't speak to anyone anymore. I gave up swimming. I gave up everything that ever mattered to me.

I stopped the thought of all of that when I heard Emily enter the room. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend I was asleep again but as soon as I saw her, I remembered every detail as to why I fell deeply in love with her.

Her raven coloured hair flowed down her broad shoulders and back. Her eyes were shaped like crescent moons; brightening the dark nights. Her smile was enough to make anyone smile; even me.

I looked up at her eyes again and found them staring at me. They were filled with anxiety, fear and something else.

"Paige-uh-hi." She smiled so sincerely, my heart felt like it was gonna melt. Her eyes scrunched up as her smile widened. She sat down in the comfy chair beside my bed.

My body felt paralysed. She just took over me.

"I hope you don't mind me being here. I was so worried about you, Paige." She reached over for my hand and squeezed it gently. My eyes still looked like a deer in headlights.

"The doctor told me that you're not speaking because you're still confused about this and I understand but I'm here for you. I wish I could've done something to help you. I should have done something." Emily cleared her throat. "Anyway, the nurses said that it would help a lot if I came in daily and just spoke to you like normal. I really want to help you."

Emily's left hand was still holding mine and the contact made me feel like I could do anything. I, I felt happy; just because of her. Her being in the room makes me feel happy and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

My thoughts were cut off again and she started talking about her day. "Well I went for a jog this morning, like I always do, then I stopped by the grille to see Toby. He's doing okay. He really misses you." She looked at me with eyes like a puppy. "Then I went over to Ali's for a few hours…" I instantly flinched at the mention of her name. Emily must've noticed as she quietly apologised.

Even till this day, I've never forgiven Alison for treating me the way she did. Now that Emily and Alison are completely 'in love', I don't have a chance. What Emily doesn't know is that after they got together, Ali taunted me for months because she knew I was still in love with Emily.

"I bought you this earlier. It used to be your favourite, I don't know if it is still but here…" She placed it on the table next to me. I watched her every movement. "It's a strawberry coconut muffin. I picked it up on the way here."

Once Emily's eyes were settled on mine once again, I deeply looked in to them and found nothing but love. If only it was in the way I wanted it to be. She noticed I was staring at her so I smiled the best I could. She smiled widely back the instant I did.

10 minutes later, we decided to eat each of our muffins. I have to say it was probably the best muffin I've had in a really long time. She used to buy these for me every morning when we were dating.

We ate in silence and just as it was about to start getting uncomfortable, Emily burst into tears. She covered her face with her hands to try and hide away. With all of the cables sticking out of my hand, it hurt to move but I forced my right arm to slowly stroke her back.

I could tell it was hard for her, seeing me like this, but she was the only person I had now.

"I should've helped you. You shouldn't have gone through this on your own. Why didn't you tell me Paige? I should've been there for you." Emily blurted out between cries. It honestly broke my heart to see her like this. I think it hurt her more than I thought it would.

After a few minutes later, her cries became quieter and more calmed. "I have to go now, visiting hours are closing. I promise Paige, I will come here every single day until you get better. Please fight for me." She leaned over and placed a chase kiss on my cheek before leaving the room.

"You've got a pretty special girl there. Don't ever let her go." Nurse Aliyah said, walking back into the room.

_I won't, for as long as I shall live._


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys, I'm so very sorry if you thought this was an update. I wanted to let you know that my little sister passed away 3 weeks ago so that is why I have not updated the story. I still plan on finishing this so don't give up on me yet but I'm not sure when I'll be able to update.

Thank you so much for the kind reviews, they were amazing:)


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